Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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