I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
When are your genitals available?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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