A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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