I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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