I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
