She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
