every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
