Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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