if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
