why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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