i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
