I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
