A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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