My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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