i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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