my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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