You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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