My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
