i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
