my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
