i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
