my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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