All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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