And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
