This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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