dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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