Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
