Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
