I accidentally burped into my bong.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
