Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
