He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
