Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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