Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
