Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
