I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
