i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Randomize
