...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
