dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
