I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
