whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
