i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
