omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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