No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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