I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
