She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
These tits shall not be calmed
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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