lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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