Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
