i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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