why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
