i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
