Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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